There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns. - 186: Tanning in Puns

Beta struggled to the heart of the lumpy mass of bad jokes and mushrooms until she came to a massive pillar that emerged out of the ground., It was made of the same spongy material as the rest of the place.

Veins of pure mana, something that Beta had desperately missed in the Demon World, flowed up the pillar to where something should have been. A round indentation at the peak of the pillar wanted something spherical shaped to be placed inside it.

Since it didn’t have this ‘thing,’ the mana was bursting into the air and causing mushrooms to form and grow uncontrollably in all directions. Beta stuck her hand into the pillar and let out a sharp hiss as the mana crackled in aggressive response and sounds rushed through her.

‘-forDelta!Noretreat!Itsofftoworkwego!It’s-‘

Beta pulled her hand back and shook her fingers, the tips slightly blackened. Okay, she had forgotten her basic rules when it came to mana.

Beta wasn’t just a girl these days and she focused on forming a strange crystalline claw in place of her hand. She was about to plunge the claw into the pillar when she stared at it.

“Where did I get you from again? Was it the Shattered Islands? I don’t even remember…” she said darkly and shook her head.

How many years had she forgotten?

How old was she now?

How long had she been a toy for that tree monster? Beta thought she looked the same as always but the Dark Drakes had a point when they spoke to her.

Her current form wasn’t her real form, it was a form she willed into existence based on what she thought she looked like.

It wasn’t quite shapeshifting, but more refusing to let go of a snapshot. When she wanted to reform to her real form, something stopped her.

A terror, a clawing panic that some old woman might emerge covered in sins she had committed and then forgot. That menu had clues but it also had records of the things she had done.

Beta growled to herself and stabbed the pillar once more, arcs of green light surging forth from her body.

Beta’s powers were a little weird. She didn’t technically absorb monsters or consume them but her body was made up of ‘Advanced Mule’ Cells. Beta was sure they were called something else once upon a time but that was what they were called now when she looked ‘inside’ at her power.

Every piece of her was made up of the exact same stuff. There was virtually no difference between her strands of hair and her brain or heart. To destroy Beta, one would have to fight her either with overpowered magic or so long she eventually exhausted every single cell of energy.

The only reasons she had eyes or a mouth and they worked as intended was because Beta needed to feel human.

She supposed if she was honest, she was more amoeba like or slime like if one got down to it. Her arm flashed and the orange mana crackled and was pushed back as Beta’s own energy began to overtake the mushroom flesh, replacing the spongy walls with hexagonal blue crystal formations.

Soon, there was a stalemate between the two forces and Beta’s jaw nearly dropped.

She had consumed dragons, living horrors, things she couldn’t even remember, and-

‘-a black pulsing sack of wrongness. It wasn’t of this world and every inch of Beta wanted to crawl away, threatening to break her into pieces, but as she thought about fleeing, vines emerged from her flesh and drove her forward. Closer to the wrongness. The void of silence. The Echo-

Beta gasped and her crystals were pushed back before she managed to get herself back under control.

That was… something she would have to deal with later. Her efforts to convert all this mana into more of ‘herself’ was utterly failing, even worse, the orange mana was learning and breaking down her crystals.

Beta switched tactics, forming her other arm into a slithery black tendril that pierced the pillar. She was trying to turn the stuff into a black sludge that she could control. That worked for a time until the mana learned and suppressed that attack too.

“Why… won’t… this… work?” Beta demanded as she switched her hands through a dozen types of monster formations, each capable ofutterly breaking down and converting materials into more of itself. Some worked with mana, while others worked with physical materials, but nothing was working. The mana was slowly taking back its losses and Beta began to sweat, needing to cool down her body as she was heating up.

There was a sudden pause after her question.

‘-gothedistance!Wait.Question?Student!Guest?Studentguest!Question!Answer…Whatisthequestionagain?Meowmeowmeow-‘

What.

Beta stared as she slowly touched the pillar once more.

–meowmeowmeow…meow! Meow!-

“Can you understand me?” she asked, feeling like an idiot for talking to what was basically energy-

‘Yes!yes!understandsomuchandknowsolittle!You are student guest! BEOURGUES-‘

“Stop singing! Stop getting distracted!” Beta shouted and the pillar went still for a moment, as if it was trying to focus.

All at once the walls, ground, and even the ceiling began to bulge and swell up as if they were struggling to keep something contained and Beta could feel an immense pressure of explosive energy forming.

“What’s happening?!” Beta yelled and the pillar answered her in a strained burst.

‘Must…not…be…distracted. Pushing…distractions to side…’

The mana said in a pained tone. This is why Beta just beat up monsters she wanted to handle. This talking stuff just wasn’t healthy for her wellbeing.

“Think about cats!” she ordered and all around her the walls split open, letting loose a literal herd of cats with mushrooms instead of ears and spongy bodies. The near-explosion seemed to shrink but it was still building too quickly to disperse safely.

“Think about a rock you can’t move!” she said, wanting this thing to waste all its energy in stupid tasks it couldn’t possibly fulfill.

A large boulder emerged from the ground near Beta and had a single word carved into its surface.

‘Responsibilities.’

Beta once again considered becoming a citizen of the Dark Drake community and being a duck for the rest of her life. The pros were few, but not having to be here and deal with this was a big one.

“Mana…things. I need to get up to the top and pretend to be in charge. Will you let me do that?” Beta said over the noise of yowling mushroom cats and the stone that loomed ominously over her shoulder.

‘You are not a core’

There was enough of a ‘cohesion’ between the mana to make a near proper voice of concern.

“Please, I can be whatever I want to be. Monster, girl, puppet, duck prisoner, or a core. Easy,” she said and waited.

Before her, stairs formed out of the pillar with wet slurpy sounds.

‘Thisisaterribleidea. Couldbefunny! Weshouldinventchips’

Beta took a deep breath of the strangely sweet air and began to climb.

Her foot sunk deep into the first step and her sock got soaked. It wasn’t her sock, but her flesh, but it ‘acted’ as a sock and Beta’s face grimaced.

“Can these be less moist?” she asked and, for once, there was a single unified voice.

‘No.‘

—

Delta felt just a little bit better. Something was happening to the mana in the abyss. It hadn’t stopped trying to connect to her, but it was heavily distracted. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to keep spending more resources.

She stopped petting Lyre’s hair as the girl chewed on grass with a pleased look. The floor guardian didn’t want much in life and Delta was only too happy to grant what little she did want.

Head pats and grass to chew.

She cast her mind out for a new project to take up. Bidding farewell to Lyre who clamped herself to Luna’s leg, Delta vanished to the fourth floor. She peered over the islands she made so far and cast her eye to the ocean instead.

What if someone did make it through Jellagon? There was basically nothing here to defend the floor other than a crab. It also meant she, just to be safe, couldn’t just make one monster on a single island. It had to be able to roam between them.

What roamed between islands, seeking havoc and rich treasures? She bent over suddenly as her mind felt fuzzy with jokes and near mindless chatter mixed with a vision of something green and angry…

It was gone a second later but she shuddered as she felt a strange urge to act like a fool. Well, might as well get it out of her system and sink some huge resources into this endeavor.

On Cancer Island, she began the formation of a single monster that was actually a bunch of monsters serving under a much stronger one. It was a new process for her but with Nu and Prim, she didn’t have to struggle on any one part for too long.

Before her, floating in the shallow water was a round shape with a single forward point. The round shape was made out of metal and its ceiling was made of a liquid wood that flowed itself into the shape of Delta’s design. Prim took control of the actual creation which disappointed Delta a little, but she marched on.

From above, she cut four ‘slices’ into the roof, creating windows of sorts before she focused and made a massive mast of wood rise up. It came with a complete set of pale pink sails with frilly edges that dripped what looked like icing onto the round roof.

What followed next was the proper creation of the hull with a figurehead of a massive serpent coiled around a magical looking staff.

Delta stood back and her two systems stared at the creation.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Prim muttered as Nu just kept silent, being an old hand at Delta’s games by now.

Delta opened her menu and found a new option had indeed appeared due to her newest creation. She shuffled things around until she got what she wanted.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“But why is it a giant pie in the ocean?” Prim had to ask, getting more outraged. Delta just hummed to herself as she created ‘four’ monsters to be used in the creation of her wandering floor Guardian.

Delta started smiling with delight as four hunched hairy rat-men appeared on the deck of the ship. They were wearing torn striped shirts and bandanas of different colors on their heads.

That was when this option she was cultivating finally fit Delta’s high standards.

Pie Rats: Scoundrels of the Fourth Floor that wander the ocean to seek unaware adventurers. While these ratty men may be scurvy ‘dogs’ and tricky, their captain is something else. Aboard this Leviathan vessel, a far worse threat awaits. 60 DP.

Delta stared at the suggested name of the ship and pursed her lips.

“Let’s call it…” she trailed off.

—

Inside the captains’ cabin, a form wearing an oversized beige hat shifted as it came to awareness. It stretched and yawned as knowledge filled it and the crew.

Slowly, the crew began to smile and laugh.

‘Lol Lol Lol Lol!” she cackled as she kicked the door to the deck open and pointed her magic cutlass with a little rabbit chain hanging off it.

“Ratbert! Ratthew! Ratmantha! Perry! Lower the sails and set to the sea! I have a craving to feel the wind in my hair!” little Captain Tain cried! Moments later, the ship began to cruise away. On the side, visible in sloppy paint strokes was a name.

“The Lemonthian”

—

Captain Tan and the Pie Rats. Floor Guardian: A special fighting vessel that seeks all things sweet and shiny. Each rat crewmate specializes in a different way of fighting and drops unique flavor loot. Perry’s flavor is said to be the most mysterious of all: Pie Flavor. Depending on which island they are closest to, the ship gains a special new type of ammunition for its cannons and features.

—

Delta felt like she had just lost ten pounds. She felt so much better, but she still had so much damn mana… If she couldn’t get it spent before Fairplay got back in, she’d be back at square one. She followed Captain Tan for a bit just to make sure nothing was malfunctioning.

The only thing she noticed was Captain Tan kept pointing and things and going ‘lol lol lol lol’ in a near continuous laugh. Delta was pretty sure shewasn’t even using the acronym but just the sounds…

Even so, this fragile looking child captain could take on five Frans at the same time. She was no joke. Her strength was befitting the fourth floor and she was also a floor guardian. If Fran was fully unshackled and in Knight mode, maybe Captain Tan could only take two…

Jellagon could take two Captain Tans at the same time which showed that the boss on the previous floor could still eclipse a lot of the early threats on the next floor.

Still, Fran has his own little ‘core.’ Delta could never be sure where her first boss monster ever fit into things long term.

She turned and Nu stopped her.

“Maybe we should have an end goal for all these islands? Or maybe a reward for getting all 12 orbs you seem to be setting up?” he asked as Delta stared at him. She felt
that the little blue box was radiating concern for her behind his wall of indifference.

“Because it’ll cost the most mana and DP?” she asked with a smile.

“The floor is also unfinished and it makes it look untidy,” Nu said, not quite denying Delta’s words.

Delta looked over the floor with its half-completed islands and imagined the end goal of the floor.

The idea was that if someone collected six orbs off any islands, they would gain access to the Star island, hidden far above in the sky and be able to face the boss. But, what if they collected all twelve orbs?

If someone collected all twelve orbs, then they would have to be rewarded, wouldn’t they? She clapped her hands together in front of her and then slowly parted her hands, creating a great divide in the ocean below. The divide was skirting close to the plugged whirlpool hole to the abyss. The exposed ocean floor had sand, some shells, coral, and growing seaweed, but nothing to stroke anyone’s imagination.

With effort, she selected a section of the ocean floor and raised it upwards, forming more rock to keep the piece of detached seafloor stable. Slowly, she shaped a simple island but with a massive set of stone stairs on it with twelve statues, six on each side of the staircase. Each statue had an open mouth, slot, or hand where something could be placed.

It didn’t take much ‘coding’ to make the island rise to the surface when one group had eight or more orbs in their possession. The raised island connected to the main island that led back to the third floor.

Now, there was a very ‘neat’ little hack that Delta had discovered when she was making up the last floor guardians and such. The more complex and tricky the activation trigger was for an event, the more dangerous or powerful Delta could make the effect for only a little more cost.

With focus, she brought up the mirror dimensions of the Dungeon. She purchased the third, and fourth floor mirror dimensions, emptying half of her DP cost in a single purchase.

The pain was immense but it was oddly set off by the fact she was making it harder for the mana in the abyss to reach her. The migraine pulsed and she needed to put her head between her knees for a few minutes before she could move again.

“I am a sunflower, I am a daisy, I am a tulip, I am a friend to the bees…” she chanted in a near song to help her pass the time.

Once she let that settle in, she looked at the fourth floor’s mirror dimensions and reduced them by half.

The third floor, not having the same reduction, was forced to channel itself into narrower paths. For every two exits out of the third floor, there would only be one fourth floor entrance.

“A treasure hunt is no fun if you’re the only one looking,” Delta grinned.

Two different groups, maybe more, would likely head in different directions to outpace the others that appeared. Once the knowledge of the orbs became known, the other party would have to make a choice of hunting down the remaining orbs or taking the other party’s orbs.

But she wasn’t trying to make a battle royale that would turn the ocean red.

With Nu’s help, she not only made a new enchantment on the orbs, but a new sign to those that appeared on the fourth floor.

“The ocean before ye is free. To aid or hinder, only ye can make it be. But, aye, ye be forewarned of the “Curse of the ORBs.” The more blood ye spill, the more the Orbs absorb. Aye, the Blood soaked Orbs may open the door but they will poison yer reward. Aye, even worse, the more ye stink of the blood of man, the faster ye be found by Captain Tan.”

Nu went and ruined Delta’s mysterious sign by adding a little hanging one.

‘If ye seek Captain Tan anyway, just scream ye have candy on a beach. Bonus points if ye have a trenchcoat on. – Nu.’

Once that was done, Delta turned to the still exposed island under the water. She bent down and went to the underside of the island, making a tiny nest.

Inside, a little snake was formed, split directly down the middle into black and white. It looked up at her and flicked its tongue. Delta gave it hay and anti-water barriers for its nest, a little stone hut, and a bowl of fresh water.

After everything, after all the orbs, the forced competition, Captain Tan, and more… this little fella was her activation trigger.

“I’m going to call you…Phi,” Delta said with a smile as the snake buried its head into the hay and emerged, looking like it only had one brain cell and it was stuck on loading.

“Ophiuchus has been created. Rank: Critter.”

—

“Delta, your room sucks!” Beta screamed as she went waist deep into a step. She slowly pulled herself out with a squelching noise as she reached for the next step which her hand and it sank into the step like wet carpet.

‘Thewheelsonthebusgoroundandround. I guess she doesn’t want step-by-step instructions?’

Beta let out a shriek of rage and climbed faster.

Beta had to do something. She had to fight fire with fire.

“That’s great, but did you see me and the boys waiting for capitalism to collapse?” she called out and the mana went quiet in confusion.

Beta grinned viciously.

“It’s pretty sad when you email your teacher at 2am because you have no life, but it must be worse when they email right back!” she kept finding power to climb faster.

“Ms Pacman thinks she invented woman power in video games? Insert picture of chessboard!” Beta yelled, moving faster now as the mana was in disarray due to the confusion.

“Do You know when you’re pretty screwed? When even the priest who comes to see you in the hospital has to put a hazmat suit over their bible before they enter!” she yelled, each step yielding to her energy.

She was nearing the top.

“REJECT MUSHROOMS, RETURN TO SINGLE CELLS!” she roared and grasped the ledge of the top of the pillar.

There was a pause.

‘Is this a me-me?’ the mana asked and Beta’s fingers slipped and she slid down five steps with a scream of anguish.

The war was on.

—